Synthetic Cyberspace Manmade Stress Relief
by Boobintroll
Summary: Rated M for language and sexual references. Jack decides to start a Torchwood ‘forum’ for members of Torchwood and related characters to help build co-worker relationships. Although the topics discussed weren’t quite what he expected.
1. Chapter 1

**Synthetic Cyberspace Manmade Stress Relief**

**Disclaimer: **We don't own Torchwood. :( This isn't real. :( It's just Synthetic Cyberspace Manmade Stress Relief.

**Chapter One: I think a better user name for 'Pert Bum' would be 'T_Boi'.**

**Capn J – **Due to recent events caused by me not knowing enough about my colleagues' lives outside of Torchwood e.g. my ex colleague Suzie going on a killing spree with a funny shaped knife and a mitten and my tea boy/receptionist locking his cyber woman girlfriend in my basement (I never knew he had a steel fetish, I must ask him about that…) I disgress. I have created this message board so we can discuss topics other than alien threat.

Rules:

In your first post you must introduce yourself using the form below.

This message board must only be used by Torchwood members and associates.

This message board has been made in the best interest for my colleagues thus meaning: No fights. No sex. No drugs. No rock'n'roll. Actually scrap the last three.

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**Capn J – **This is my introductory post. Please follow the format below for your own introductory posts.

Name: Captain Jack Harkness

User name: Capn J

Status: Complicated.

Interested in: Girls, boys, aliens, animals, doorknobs.

Favourite part(s) of my job: Flirting, snogging, shagging (especially the teaboy), more shagging and I quite enjoy being the dashing hero. Oh and I don't die. EVER.

Worst part(s) of my job: Come on, there's nothing bad about working for me. ;D

Pets: A pterodactyl and an Ianto.

Other interests: Weevil hunting, searching for the Doctor and sleeping with non-human life forms.

Self description: An immortal sex god.

Other comments:

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**Toshytoshtoshtosh – **I'm sure your intentions were good Jack but I don't have a life. Outside of Torchwood I mean.

Name: Toshiko Sato

User name: Toshytoshtoshtosh (Gwen picked, she thought it was cute.)

Status: Single

Interested in: Men (mainly however the odd alien… well the rest is history as they say)

Favourite part(s) of my job: Well I guess it's better than prison?

Worst part(s) of my job: Watching my friends die. (Dun dun dunnnnnn!)

Pets: I have a goldfish named Jimmy.

Other interests: Scrabble and chess. As of late explicit sexual activity with female aliens bearing alien jewellery.

Self Description:

Other comments: Why should I write a self description to people who see me everyday?

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**Capn J – **Because, as your boss and friendly co-worker :), I'd like to know how you view yourself. Btw can Jimmy and I have a date?

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**Toshytoshtoshtosh – **HE'S A GOLDFISH JACK.

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**Capn J – **I've always wanted to date a goldfish :(

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**I3Rhys - **Tosh you're username is adorable! I love it! We should use it in real life!!!

Name: Gwen Cooper

User name: I3Rhys

Status: Married! (Yay!)

Interested in: Rhys of course!

Favourite part(s) of my job: Aliens! In Cardiff!

Worst part(s) of my job: Being impregnated by shape shifters and cheating on my husband!

Pets:

Other interests: Ryhs of course! And pub quizzes.

Self Description: Loving, dedicated wife.

Other comments: Jack you're sick!

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**Capn J – **I've made a new rule. 4. No bullying.

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**Ianto –**

Name: Ianto Jones

User name: Ianto

Status: Jealous of Jimmy

Interested in: Nice people

Favourite part(s) of my job: Naked hide and seek

Worst part(s) of my job: When Jack cheats on me with fish

Pets: Two cats called Mr and Mrs Snuffles

Other interests: Antique stopwatches and suit shopping

Self Description: Useful

Other comments: Gwen you've broken the exclamation mark key again.

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**Capn J – **Oi pert bum! I have amendments for your introductory post.

User name: Pert bum

Status: Slave

Interested in: Jack's bum

Self Description: I'd look amazing in a UNIT cap.

The rest can stay the same.

P.S. Work late xxx

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**Pert Bum – **Jack this is harassment; change my name back.

P.S. Can't wait x

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**Capn Jack – **Nope :P

P.S. Bring your stopwatch xxx

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**I3Ryhs – **Pert bum lol.

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**Pert Bum – **Jack, Gwen just broke rule 4. :(

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**God_Of_Fuck – **Plz stop the homoerotic convo. I think a better user name for 'Pert Bum' would be 'T_Boi'.

Name: Dr Owen Harper

User name: God_Of_Fuck

Status: Single

Interested in: Women

Favourite part(s) of my job: None

Worst part(s) of my job: The tea boy is fucking the boss. Need I say more?

Pets: I had a lab rat. Torchwood turned him into rat jam.

Other interests: Sex, alcohol.

Self Description: Tall, dark and handsome.

Other comments: Medically, I'm dead.

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**Capn Jack – **I'm impressed by your username Owen however I think your current condition renders you unable to 'fuck'. I prefer 'Pert Bum' tbh.

**A/N: Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this fic as much as me and my older (slightly smiley obsessed) sister did writing it. Constructive criticism or just reviews are much appreciated. Next chapter will be up a.s.a.p.**

**Thanks again xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Synthetic Cyberspace Manmade Stress Relief**

**Disclaimer: **We don't own Torchwood. :) This isn't real. :) It's just Synthetic Cyberspace Manmade Stress Relief.

**A/N: Dear reader, we apologise for a continuous mistake in our previous chapter. Gwen's username should read 'I3Rhys' not 'I3Ryhs' a problem occurred when uploading the fic to the interwebs. It should be sorted now. :) **

**Chapter Two: Jack continues to 'booty shake'.**

**Video call between Pert Bum and Capn J – **

"_Do you like that, Perty?" Called Jack, winking at his laptop screen whilst attempting a 'bootyshake' only just hiding his 'little friend' (as Jack had previously referred to it as) with a thin layer of whipped cream. _

_A trickle of drool dripped from Ianto's wide open mouth onto his bare chest._

"_You DO like it! I can see the drool Perty!" Cooed Jack._

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**God_Of_Fuck – **Wow, although disgusted, I'm rather surprised Ianto is ALOT bigger than Jack. O_O

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**I3Rhys – **Mmm…

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**Pert Bum – **You've been watching!? That was MY dance.

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**Capn J – **Well this is awkward.

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**I3Rhys – **Not half as awkward as seeing it up close and personal. Goodnight.

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**God_Of_Fuck – **I'm going to go too. Have fun?

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**Video call between Pert Bum and Capn J –**

_Jack continues to 'booty shake'._

***

**I3Rhys - **Me and Rhys had the most amazing sex last night.

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**Pert Bum – **Was that before or after Jack's dance?

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**I3Rhys – **During.

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**Pert Bum – **Ahhh. It was rather alluring; you have to give him that.

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**I3Rhys – **Actually it was Rhys' version that I enjoyed. 'Part from we didn't have any cream so we used the leftover spag bol.

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**Capn J - **Ewh.

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**Toshytoshtoshtosh – **I wish my sex life was as exciting as yours Gwen.

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**I3Rhys – **I haven't slept with an Alien though! Yet… Maybe I could convince Rhys to have a threesome with me and Janet.

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**Capn J – **Ouch.

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**Pert Bum – **Jack I think you'll find your monosyllabic contributions to the conversation are much appreciated.

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**Capn J – **Ewh. Ouch. Sounds like a weevil/human sex tape.

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**Toshytoshtoshtosh – **You disgust me. I was about to ask how you know what that sounds like but I searched weevil/human in the archives and I know now.

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**Capn J – **Whoops. Don't search it Ianto! It was one time, before you joined Torchwood, I swear!

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**Toshytoshtoshtosh – **He's right; it dates back to way before you joined.

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**Capn J - **I was lonely.

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**Pert Bum – **Awh!

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**Capn J – **Don't you 'awh' me, Ianto! I'm coming to find you now… You know what it does to me.

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**Pert Bum – **Gwen? Tosh? Someone? Help.

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**Capn J – **Muahahaha. You can run but you can't hide.

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**Pert Bum – **Naked hide and seek! Yay! xxx

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**Capn J – **xxx

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**I3Rhys – **Boys.

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**Toshytoshtoshtosh – **Agreed.

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**I3Rhys – **It's cute though.

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**Toshytoshtoshtosh – **Yeah, definitely.

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**God_Of_Fuck – **Why is Ianto cowering naked behind me?

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**Toshytoshtoshtosh – **Naked hide and seek.

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**God_Of_Fuck – **Again?!

**A/N: As always, thanks for reading and thanks to those who reviewed on the previous chapter. You really inspired us to keep writing this fic! Loads of love to those who review! Next chapter will be up soon!**


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